track: i cannot hold anything in my hands any longer
by: mourning dove & danielle & evan & jon & les enfants
we went to vermont to observe a man who, in being, barebacked, betrayed
that he was a laborer and she said that she liked that his body said it was so.
while the boy who was meant to be in the woods cried because he was leaving her in the parking lot
outside the national guard and then we drove back from vermont.

he went into the woods as we made new living rooms and hung lights and rearranged the artifice of our very separate
and seemingly predestined lives and she said it was a beautiful day and it was a beautiful day
and soon it would be over but for the several motorcyclists as they made their way over the horizon and into the dusk of our lives that were not our lives any longer and i couldn’t hold anything in my hands any longer, and the sun grazed my face in its everlasting light as it sunk and sunk and there were large pockets of air sucked in and out of his chest as he sobbed which was not even uncanny, it was normal.

and tragedy was boring, and nothing made sense and we were wrapped like saplings around each other in a dead fog, grown into and out of the earth with only the sullen protestations of ourselves
but i wanted to feel at home when we reached the morgue or onward for the mass burial in an unnamed pit on an island where nobody can feel our unfeelingness, that is
and i have already encountered this, it’s true but these days mostly, i am most familiar with the bus station between here and maryland or is it delaware i know it when i see it, it makes my heart swell like a strange ugly beast blindly faltering its way through the orifices of mother earth who lies in coma through the toxic frenzy of our lives and she said it was a beautiful day.

and it was beautiful, i could find you in your house, your bones cracked and uncracked in everlasting light and i could look you in the eye, i could say hello.
i could run myself into the ground or a clear bottomless lake thoughtlessly, with all the world of dreaming held intact though i knew what it was i could not hold anything, not even the dying sun, or the moon as it fades from us as we lose the children of ourselves and so are plunged into ultimate undoing.

to know that you will and have and continue to exist is a miracle were it just a thought i had on a rainy day when i was walking by myself as the sky collected its darkness into a sound that was like quietude or even nakedness. and synonymously,that you and i come to the end it is no question but the barest certainty of my brief and unconscionable soul.


track: sofa
by: mourning dove
the porch in a deep late spring fog
when the leaves are now really out and full
of green temperature
and clouds that could be gathered like the word we once used to call them clouds before they were clouds
maybe you are there standing as you once did or maybe you never put on that record
anyway, it was all rewritten.

we used to sit on the wall far enough away to talk without you hearing but close enough to watch you play the harmonica
until i said aloud that how you moved was a sleep of a different kind and i drew another you who was not awake as the you you but in a scribbled sleep across the sofa where later you lay on the day you were i thought going away but you were not going away but have become something that cannot be felt
like a look and never any word

could we go then back to the station as it became a shrine for the thoughts of that year
passing as the snow was falling outside
after we left the place where we said goodbye on the sofas that have been moved away from the fire
without those sadnesses how could we have marked time
now we no longer mark time but still it moves through a body leaving ghosts?

what did you do with my picture on a plastic card where my face is worn away and the drawing i gave you of the girl who is not me crying or even your own portrait as i have kept the extra prayers you wanted to get rid of to something you may have no faith in? just to know if it was real that we knew each other for a little while

i am afraid you walk through my dreams nightly and in those dreams i walk through your house here are the remains of all who lived in a house

i could never really believe you exist
as that building still stands
with the trail to the tracks behind
and every night the trains still echo along the water as they did that night
as the landscape gathers into this or that or love
and loss more than ever could be held

i might know where to find you at the end of world
in this blessing which is to go as we started, alone


from while we were away, released July 2, 2019


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